A Story They Know

Time to give up our souls,
to set fire to structures and run out in the street.

Time to ferment.
How else can we leave the world-vat and go to the lip?
We must die to become true human beings.

[sic]

With our faces so close to the love mirror,
we must not breathe, but rather change
to a cleared place where a building was
and feel the treasure hiding in us.

With no beginning or end we live in lovers
as a story they know.

If you will be the key,
we will be tumblers in the lock.
~Rumi

Today was my last visit to the pain clinic for epidural steriod injections in my back. It was a series of three injections. I felt so fantastic after the first injection, even though it ended up being a bit out of schedule since I had a saddle block injection instead of having them put me fully under. This means that I was awake during the process, as they tried to find the correct spot in spinal canal and then determine that they actually needed a longer needle. I couldn't feel pain, but I could feel every tug and prod. Not a nice feeling. Afterwords, I felt immensely better and decided there might be something to this after all.

The second shot, they knocked me out. The first time I had ever been totally out. Very weird to wake up and know stuff had happened to you, but have no recollection. To top it off, I felt so horribly, I wasn't even sure they had done the procedure.

Today I woke up in so much pain that I figured nothing they could do would make it any worse, so I went. I really *wanted* the saddle block this time to help ease the pain. It's just a bitch to sit for two hours while my legs think about waking up again.

I wish to burn down this structure. To have it rise again anew. To find the treasure hiding inside of me. What might that look like?

Dying of the Light

This is such a fantastic medium. This is my journal, for all to see. I write at times, to one, and then to a few and then to no one in particular.

And, while I am swept up in the awe of refinding a Kindred, I find my mind elsewhere at this precise moment.

A heavier place. A place I don't like to look. A place I seem to keep visiting. Slowly, slowly, I am learning the lesson.

My house reeks of cat urine. Again. Refreshed by my bitter and angry 14 year old Calico female cat.

I can't do this again. When it was Sebastian, when it was my baby, I put up with it. I put up with his inability to make it inside the catbox. But this is no inability. This is pure spite. Pure hatred of the two children and the other cats who have come (and in the cats case, may have gone from) into our lives.

We have had Bina since she was six months old. A kitten, but not tiny. Still, we are her family. She just refuses to change, to go with the flow, to adapt. As far as I can see, there is only one solution. To put her down.

Find another familly? I just can't imagine it. As I said, she doesn't adapt well.

But the thought of killing off a family member because they are old and grouchy? Well, that doesn't bode well for me down the road. I just have emotional and moral trouble with it. Sebastian had cancer. I made peace with that.

This? I just don't know.

I just don't know.

The Return of My Shams

There are no coincidences.

It's a long story that I don't have time to tell right now, but I will at some point, the meeting my Shams/my Thelma.

It is no wonder that my Webkinz Koalas have been my favorite.
It is no wonder that I have been reading Rumi again.
It is no wonder that I have been listening to Sarah McLachlan's Possession.
It is no wonder that the frame that long held your picture was accidentally broken. (The picture had been moved, thankfully.)

For years I looked for you and could not find you.

I gave up, not because I no longer loved, but because the searching seemed futile. I am everywhere on the Internet. Easy to find if you wanted to find me.

And you finally found me.

There is no anger, Thel. Just relief. I am so glad to have you back in my life, whether for one more moment, or the rest of our lives.

**aside: NJ is throwing an ultra-dramatic temper tantrum. (oh yay.) **

I have open arms for you and nothing but love. I will share our story, if you don't mind. I love our story. :-)

That to come later...