Let's waste time
chasing cars
around our heads
I need your grace
to remind me
to find my own
~Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars
As a creative soul and writer, I spend alot of time exploring my navel in search of the Truth and the Meaning of Life. Then I attempt to write about those pieces of navel lint. I hope these ruminations actually reflect a small portion of what I discover inside, alas, words often fail to capture the enormity of the intended communication. Sometimes I completely fail in my attempt. Sometimes I am not sure where I stand in the communication. This brings me to yesterday's post. I felt like I should say more, even though perhaps I don't need to.
Depression and I are longtime "frenemies." I grew up with the negative things I said about depression, but I don't believe them. Not truly. I still fight with those conversations on occasion, because just as it takes time to learn ways of seeing life, it also takes time to unlearn those ways.
I was first diagnosed with and treated for depression 18 years ago. If I played My Own Personal Freud, I would suspect it started much earlier. It probably began as I came to realize that I would never achieve true perfection. True perfection was the only way to convince myself and others in my life that I was good enough. Perfection is still the Dragon I chase.
My Own Personal Freud: But you realize that dragons don't exist. Don't you?
Me: Yes, I know. Dragons are a figment of our imagination. Dragons only exist in stories.
My Own Personal Freud: Yes, Dragons aren't real...yet, you continue to chase. Do you suspect it is the thrill of the chase?
Me: Isn't my hour up yet?
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1 comment:
I think depression is just a matter of degree anymore. Whenever it becomes unmanageable or intereferes with life, then it's time to get help. Of course it's hard on the poor loved ones tolerating me until I realize my state of mind.
Hang in there and keep calling the spade a spade.
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