The Many Loves

Okay, okay. So the REAL question lurking behind the previous post is this: What do I want to do with my life? aka "What do I want to be when I grow up?" There are many avenues I have considered in my life, but none that have absolutely captivated me.

Here are/were some of the contenders, then perhaps you will see my conundrum:
* Film Director (my original college major)
* Actress
* Teacher (11th grade honours, I have my English degree. You don't step into an honours program though and I wanted to have enough patience in life to have my own kids)
* Lawyer
* Gemologist
* Interior Designer
* Interpreter for the FBI
* Profiler for the FBI
* Anything for the FBI
* Forensic Crime Scene Investigator/Analyst
* Law Researcher (something I have done)
* Information Broker/Researcher (I can find anything or anyone you need)
* Chef
* Hair Dresser
* Realtor
* Advertising Executive (took one college class, got frustrated)
* Trade Show Manager
* Gift Basket Entrepreneur
* Writer/Author/Poet
* Wife (I am one!)
* Mother (something I achieved, twice!)
* Internet guru
* Programmer
* Website designer/programmer
* Jockey
* Personal Assistant to someone important
* Entrepreneur who flips houses
* PowerPoint presentation designer (something I have done)
* Yoga Instructor
* "White hat" hacker
* Spa Owner
* Personal Shopper/Stylist
* Professional Singing Artist/Musician (I don't have the talent, sadly)
* eBay Entrepreneur
* Law Librarian
* Wedding Coordinator
* Health Informatics Librarian
* Motivational Speaker
* Therapist/Psychologist
* Personal Trainer/Physical Therapist
* Furniture Refinisher
* Location Scout (for film)
* Bread-and-Breakfast Owner/Manager
* Life Coach
* Professional Student
* Event Planner
* TV Script Writer
* Buyer for department stores
* Restaurant owner
* Inventor/innovator
* Photographer
* Semi-celeb blogger
* Mythbuster
* Forensic Accountant

I am sure the list could go on. Some of these take money, which I don't have and have no clue how to find (venture capital). Some of these take training I don't have, which could be easily remedied, if I would just choose it. Some of these take connections I don't have, which is why I shied away from the film industry.

So what now? I still don't know, but I am still in the inquiry.

Perhaps those varied interests WOULD make for an excellent blog contributor as Kay and Janine and I have discussed as of late. Starting something like the type of blog we are discussing is scary... EXCITING but SCARY. I am so afraid of failure, of letting people down. Yet, it could be a success. A HUGE success. And it would give me what I want. I could research, write and make money. I could enrich lives and do something of value.

All I have to do is make a choice. Why does it seem so hard?!?!?

Torn

I had to admit it, but we're in a bit of a financial bind. M makes enough money to pay most of the bills, but alas my screwup of last year's taxes has left us owing the government a substantial amount of money. Money we don't have lying around so we can't just pay them off and be done with the entire mess. Luckily the IRS agreed to our payment plan. Even without the cost of G's school, there just isn't the money in the budget to give to them AND still money for entertainment expenses, house expenses beyond bills, cash, other sundries. We're down to basics: food, gas and utilities.

The big question is whether to go get a job so we have breathing room, or do we just cut back on the little luxuries of our lives? I could just temp, using my skills on presentation development and research so that I am not locked into a 5 day a week job. I am concerned though about care for NJ. I can't imagine I could find a place who would accept an infant on the fly. If they did, would they meet my critical standards?!?!? Or, do I just succumb to a 9-5 job as an assistant or such where minimal brain power and minimal devotion is required. Just a good job done during my 8 hours of contribution. OR do I risk developing my own work. I could blog and turn it into an income earner. I could start an eBay business of Yard sale finds cleaned up and given a little TLC. So many choices!

I guess I should pray/meditate about this, put the energy out there and see what comes back to me. I trust that the "right thing" will.

Kicking It Up A Notch

I enrolled G into a self-defense/martial arts class today. He went to the dojo and received his uniform and tried out day #1 of class.

It took forever to get to the "try it out" part. The teacher offered to have G start class or just watch. I repeated the question to G as I squatted down to his level so we could look eye to eye. But after asking, his eyes just darted around the room and "I don't know" was all he could manage to say. I said "It's just a decision G, not right or wrong, just a decision." He just couldn't decide. It was Monday, after school and after apparently not enough sleep.

The teacher suggested we get G changed into his new cool uniform and have him join the class. We raced over to the changing area and swapped the school uniform for the martial arts uniform.

G anxiously joined the class, but with a very huge grin on his face. His shyness came out full force, but his excitement lead him on. He watched and tried and at the end of the class, "earned" his white belt.

After class, G came rushing up to me. "When can I get a GOLD belt?" he asked breathlessly. "With practice" I told him. I wanted to tell him he had to be patient, to take things one step at a time (baby steps) and that someday he could be really good at this. Instead I simply hugged him. He'll learn. He'll learn.

Who Would You Do?

Since I haven't written in over week, let's start things off with a "hot" topic. (Or is it one that has been beaten to the ground in blogland?)

SEX.

That's right... SEX. It's as good a topic as any. Given my past week, I could use a little fastasy diversion before I delve into topics such as kindergarten, poverty and sleep deprevation.

Let's assume that you would (probably) never get the opportunity to meet these people, or perhaps, if you did, you wouldn't be jumping in the sack. But, in fantasyland... who would be your five top "do's" in the celeb/semi-celeb world? (I have included men and women in my list... because I think women appreciate that attractiveness of other women. I think if I asked my husband to include men he'd look at me blankly.)

Men
1. Chris Nunez - Miami Ink semi-celeb... uh, yum.
2. Joaquin Phoenix
3. Matthew McConaughey
4. Johnny Depp
5. Wentworth Miller

Women
1. Kari Byron - Mythbusters semi-celeb, she's just so damn cute!
2. Angelina Jolie
3. Aishwarya Rai
4. Salma Hayek
5. Halle Barry

Anyone else care to share?

Shocking Confessional: I Love Crap TV

I talked with one of my closest friends yesterday to check in and see how things were. He lives in another state, which as of yesterday's conversation is a good thing. If he were closer, he might be sporting a fresh bruise on his left shin.

I called out of concern. It's a long story, but he and I have this weird connection and when I have dreams of him, I call. It usually means something is up. I dreamed of him, but more importantly I dreamed of his pregnant wife. I don't dream of his wife. Ever. So, I thought it had to be significant.

Not.

Instead I got shit about how I love Grey's Anatomy.

Seriously? Seriously.

According to him I must be under some extreme amount of stress or suffering post partum depression to succumb to a love of something so "cliched." I just think he's getting old and out of touch with current culture. (jab,jab)

Okay, fine, I'll admit it: I LIKE CRAP TV. I *like* Grey's Anatomy and Lost. I like House and Prison Break. Heck, give me some Desperate Housewives to boot. Oh, and while we're at it: throw in some American Idol, Hell's Kitchen, Miami Ink and OMG Rockstar Supernova. Forget the fact I will watch a Law & Order episode over and over, especially if it's SVU, but not CI, cause Vincent D'Onofrio is a freak. Of course, then there's Mythbusters, which isn't Crap TV, but I will mention it anyway.

For The Record: TV is merely one of my escapes. I do still read. And occasionally return my movies to Netflix so I can watch another. And The Sure Thing is still a part of my own personal library. And I introduced you to Secretary.

At least my love for Crap TV doesn't include Doc or 7th Heaven. I mean, please, give me *some* credit.

An Earful

Last night was the first night that NJ slept in the co-sleeper next to the bed. I wasn't ready to see her go, I like her warm little body snuggled next to mine. Still, M insisted that it was time. He's been missing the nightly pre-sleep cuddle. It's like a ritual with us, I lay my head on his shoulder and we snuggle in together. Admittedly I missed the snuggle time too, but I firmly believe that the reason NJ has slept through the night since day one is because she sleeps between us. Babies model what they see: big people sleep, I sleep. Besides, *if* she wakes, then I just stick The Boob in her mouth and doze off again. It's good for both of us. Or was.

The unfortunate outcome of NJ sleeping with us is that I don't move during the night. I have to lay still. I don't lay still when I sleep. I have to move. It's the fibromyalgia, if I stay in the same position for a time, my muscles rebel. They will lock themselves up and then I pay with pain the next day. And boy, have I been paying.

The past two weeks have been murder on my hips and legs. I feel like an old lady, popping and creaking while hobbling down the hall. We spent this past weekend in Houston with family friends and their two story house. Thank God we don't have a two story house. It was much more apparent during our visit what an invalid I have become. I figure when I see the neurologist next week, he will direct me back to physical therapy. Woo woo!

On another note, NJ got her tape and glue removed from her left ear today. When NJ was born, she had a "constricted ear." It wasn't prominent but M and I felt that if we could do something about it now, especially something non-surgical, we would. We found a local craniofacial surgeon who performs ear molds which involves tape, superglue and clay to retrain the cartilage in the ear to grow properly. The procedure should be performed in the first week of life. NJ got her ears done on day 8 after birth. She wore the tape, etc. for six weeks total with a dressing change at two week intervals. As I said, today was the big reveal and her ear looks great! I am so glad we tried this route and *hope* we don't have any future surgery!

Uniformity

I registered G for kindergarten in pubilc school today. I have mixed feelings about this. At the heart, I believe we should provide outstanding education to everyone and therefore, should support our public schools. Yet... so many school districts are weak and neglected. We don't pay our teachers enough and we expect so much. How can they foster each child's intelligence when the classes are packed with 20+ kids? How can they provide extra attention to the children who need more than the average curriculum?

In our area, private school is often the answer for those who can. And, I hate to say, if I could, I would. We just can't right now. So we're trying public school out for a year.

I am trying to be determined not to hate it. Unfortunately even the simplest aspects of this process annoy me to no end. My initial beef: uniforms.

Now, don't get me wrong. I see both sides of the arguement here. The schools say it's a safety issue. The kids can't wear gang colors (oh, that's refreshing.) Uniforms make school an even playing field. The kids dress the same, LOOK the same and will therefore be treated the same. They won't make fun of each other in this brand-driven society. I agree with all this in prinicple. Trust me, I do. I was the kid who was made fun of for what I wore. I didn't wear the brand jeans. (4th grade) It was a devestating blow to my self-esteem. And, if I played Freud to myself, it probably accounts for much of who I am today.

So, yes, taking the "us and them" factor out of the kids' wardrobes is probably a good thing.

But

I am loathing having to purchase all navy bottoms and white shirts. How mundane. Uncreative. Boring. Uninspiring. Stupid.

I don't want my kid to be on an even playing field. I want G to be G. I want him to be recognized for who he is. I want him to express himself. If he wants to wear green, dammit, I want him to wear green! I don't want him to look like, feel like everyone else. (it's not easy being green.) This isn't about labels, it's about expression, creativity.

I was at least a little relieved (as was G) to learn at registration that the kids can wear any kind of athletic shoe they want to as long as it's not obscene. (ever seen an obscene shoe?) I had bought G a pair of all black athletic shoes thinking if they were anal about the clothing, surely shoes would be limited. Instead we took them back and bought cool new Sketchers. G was thrilled to get them. So was I... finally a method of expression! And this got me thinking. Perhaps I will get him a whole wardrobe of cool shoes. (I'm totally thinking like a woman here, and I am sure he could care less.) In fact, not just cool shoes... OUTRAGEOUS shoes. Shoes that are guaranteed to be individualistic and noticable.

Shoes like this or this or this or perhaps even this .

You know, *something* that makes a statement. (Taste not withstanding.) :-P

Power to the people! Down with the average tennis shoe! Freedom of shoe expression!

The Big O

Not Overstock.com, although I would love to go crazy shopping.

Not orgasm, although I am now cleared for sex after my six-week post-natal appointment with the Ob-Gyn.

No, think bigger.

OVERWHELM. That's where I am. Smack dab in that big O. O-VER-WHELMED.

How did my mother do this? How did any stereotypical housewife in the 50's excude such perfection in their lives? (Did they?) (V.A.L.I.U.M. Where's mine?) (I'll even wear the pearls, although the high-heeled shoes are OUT.) How does any working woman (with more than one child) keep it together?

I have a job. Her name is NJ. She's a high maintenance gal. Hold me, Mama, I need you near. Unfortunately G is largely this way too. "Look at me, Mom." "Watch this Mom." Forget laundry. Forget dishes. Forget cooking. Can I please shower now? Brush my teeth? Is 9 a.m. too early for a margarita?

It's a Catch-22. I need to schedule "me" time. Janine and I have been walking some and scheduled to walk tonight. It was her turn to cancel because I think she's visitng O-zone too. And I was a little relieved that she canceled because now I have time to load the dishwasher. And vote for Rockstar Supernova. And vent in my blog. And perhaps sleep a little before I have to whip out The Boob again.

Really, I wouldn't do any of this differently. Just sometimes, like now, I would like to slow down this runaway train. I guess Chef said it best this week: "What did you just say? Slow down a little? We still have ten tickets in the window, you can't slow down now." (Hell's Kitchen, my other summer TV obsession.) There is no slowing down. You gotta complete the service. Otherwise you leave people hungry.

(Baby steps. Yes, I remember, Topher.)

Yes Chef!