Pitch Lake Pity Party Pondered

It's nearly 2 AM. Again. Been here yesterday too, same bat time, same bat channel.

Insomnia sucks.
Fibromyalgia sucks.
Restless Leg Syndrome sucks.
Being pregnant during all this: pricelessly sucking.

Let's do a little early am self analysis, shall we? A little mental download required:
1) Caffeinee - yes, had a coke at 12:30 today. Just one. Loved the bubbly, can't say I enjoyed it though. Cause of insomnia? Probably not. No coke yesterday.
2) Concern - yes, always. Today's concerns: meeting dad's fiance tomorrow and spending day with her. Honestly there are mixed feelings about all this. Want my dad to be happy. Miss my mom. How will she fit in? Mother figure? Friend? Grandmother to the kids? Just a partner for dad? Should I have to her over so she really gets to know me, and my chronically disorganized life? More today's concerns: Do I work? Kay offered me a sweet introduction which could lead to a sweet freelance deal. It's doing something I love. But this is prime example of what terrifies me about the prospect of working, my second 2 AM with only craziness in sight. The last thing I need right now is a failure. I could really use a win through. Huge risk.
3) Meds - mostly not working right now. Pain pills? Not working. Muscle relaxants I shouldn't be taking, not working. Insomnia meds? Definitely not working. Lots of pain and feeling completely off kilter at the moment. How can I be good to anyone like this? At least I went to physical therapy today.
4) Schedule - starting to get way off track. I can't sleep at night (if at all), don't eat lunch until 3, dinner at 8, bed attempt at 10 or 11. Nothing accomplished between. No housework. No planning. (Unless you call TV watching an accomplishment.)

*flops into my tar pool of utter self-pity*
*turns off the lights*
*puts my ipod on melancholy boo-hoo shit*
*does self check to see if this pity party is making me feel ANY better*

Nope.

*Wallows more*

*Ponders*

*opens book of Rumi poetry and beings to asborb*

From Rumi:

Drumsound rises on the air,
its throb, my heart,

A voice inside the beat says,
"I know you are tired,
but come, This is the way."

~by way of Coleman Barks

Stay with the beat, ~L, stay with the beat.