On Being Neighborly

This is one of those things which inspires people to fall in love with other houses. In other areas of town.

I have learned to hear the car pull up outside and the distinct sound of the car door closing. Within seconds, the doorbell is ringing on my pitch black porch.

G looks at me excitedly and says "I'll get it Mama!" amd proceeds to head to the door. He is unlocking the door as I waddle that direction. I open the door to a heavy sigh from our visitor.

Him: "Hi there. I just wanted to check and see how you are doing."
He stands there with his best look of deep concern mixed with... (places I don't want to go.)

Me: "Hi Bud, I am fine, feeling much better, in fact."

Him: "Oh Good, because J was right out front the other day and said that you were sick and I was worried you had one of your migraines or something and felt I needed to check."

I don't know this J guy personally, the first time I laid eyes on him was when I opened the door to him earlier. He was campaigning for a local candidate. I told him I wasn't interested and shut the door. It was a brief conversation.

I looked at Bud brazenly and said "I have no idea why he said that to you and shouldn't have said that to you. J came by with literature about a political candidate and wanted to know if I would like to hear more about him and I said no. It was simple as that. I didn't tell him I was sick, I just told him I wasn't interested in hearing about his candidate." (because I WAS sick and am six months pregnant and could really give a rat's ass about the local candidate at that moment.)

Him: "Well I was just worried about you with your migraines and stuff and wanted to check. You can call me if you need anything and I will run and get it for you. I have no money, so you would have to give me money and I could pick up whatever you need for you since M, (dear husband,) doesn't get home until 7 or so."

I assured him M gets home earlier than that most days. I also assured him it would be extremely rare that I would need such a favor.

"Bud" then takes a moment to look me over. I had shucked my bra about two hours prior because I had been getting to be sweaty and too much to bear. I was wearing a very smooth, light cotton but dark colored maternity shirt, which leaves little to the imagination.

Bud: "Boy" *sighs* "you look just great L. What are you doing with yourself? Your skin seems clearer and that new haircut really flatters you."

Me: "It's call pregnancy glow Bud. Women who are pregnant just tend to exude this healthy glow. It has to do with hormones and the blood flow through the body."

Bud: "Step here into the light where I can see you better. You look so good!"

Me: "No, Bud, I am fine just here."

Bud: "Step out here and let me see you."

Me: *folding my arms over my chest* "No, Bud."

Meanwhile G is playing at my feet, with the door and between Bud and I and the door.

Bud: "I was wondering if I could borrow just $5 or$10 so I can buy some groceries for the week."

Me: "I don't have any cash right now." (I spent it on my Wendy's cheeseburger for lunch) I lean in to the house and ask a question to which I already know the answer. "M, do you have cash on you?"

M: *Safely from the other room.* "No, I told you I ran out of cash this weekend."

Me: "Okay!" I turn to Bud. "Sorry, we don't have any cash right now."

Bud: "Now, you do have my number, right? I work 8-4:30, except on days where they are letting us go early. I can help you with anything you need. I will just have to come down and pick up some money first since I don't have any and bring you back what you need."

Me: "I have your number. It's just rare that I have a need like that, Bud."

Bud: "Okay, well, have a good night." Goes to leave. "Call if you need anything."

Me: "Good night, Bud." And I immediately close the door and roll my eyes.

Bud "endeared" himself to us one evening when we lost Maxwell, our elderly shepherd mix. I was walking down the street. He seemed sweet and very interested in helping us find Maxwell. We didn't find Maxwell that night, but made a friend in Bud.

Since that time Bud would appear on our doorstep with offers to take us out to dinner (to places with coupons at which he may or may not eat) and invitations to enjoy an evening in his hot tub (which, he has informed us, he feels best when he's enjoying the water naked; of course we would be welcome to bring our swimsuits, if that made us more comfortable.) He also comes by "just to check on us to make sure we are all okay."

All of this neighborly gesture is great, but it can turn into something else, something more disconcerting to me. Bud will often comment on my looks. "You look so nice today!" And it doesn't matter whether nor not I am wearing makeup, or have styled my hair, or hell, even showered that day. I seem to look nice to him all the time. Then, he has proceeded to tell me on NUMEROUS occasions, EVEN WITH DEAR HUBBY M STANDING IMMEDIATELY behind me: "It's too bad your are married. You are so lovely, so pretty. I would love to date you if you weren't married." "You are just my type." Repeatedly.

CREEP

ME

OUT!

Bud, you seem like a nice guy. But you are my mother's age. And you don't take care of yourself or anyone around you. You shower, what weekly? You smell and your house smells from the 6+ dogs and 6+ cats you keep holed up in there. The majority of the cats have lived in the bathroom for the majority of their lives. The dogs have roamed and torn up the place. It's just not right, Bud. You're not right. You're gonna have to pull your shit together, Bud, if you can.

Man, this is such a rock and a hard place. I feel sorry for the guy. He just doesn't seem to know how to help himself, but I don't think any coaching I could give him or M could give him would help him. And, due to the personal creep factor, I can only take so much of him as it is.

So what do you do? How can you be compassionate to another human being and cause change? What if that other human being doesn't operate in a normal, average way? Where are the lines?

What I am left with is two things:
1) Don't talk about your neighbors unless you all know each other really well. This J guy didn't know me at all and had NO business saying ANYTHING about me to someone else on the street. I DO appreciate any concern or alarm I may have caused, but come back to ME to address it. Not another neighbor, even if he says he's my best buddy. How would you know if that is the truth?
2) Common courtesy and etiquette say that one shouldn't drop by (consistently) unannounced. Especially if my porch light isn't on. Call before you come, and if I choose not to answer, it's because I DON'T WANT TO SEE OR TALK TO YOU. I have a right not to pick up my phone and a right not to answer my door. If I don't do one or the other, don't keep trying. I have caller ID. I can see through the window. Let people invite you into their lives, don't force your way in. That just doesn't work.

I don't know what else to say. This leaves me angry and sad and really isn't something I want to deal with right now. Which is why I am committing it to writing, so perhaps I can begin to let this stuff go and/or deal with it appropriately.